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12.10.2005 ~ DES

WARNING!

Dez Iddon has had that dream again... and for some reason believes he needs to share it.

Warning (again) - the posting below is not intended to be read by:

• Those easily offended.
• Those with a heart condition.
• Those in a healthy, loving relationship.
• The living.

In fact, only continue reading if:

• You have an extreme gun fetish.
• You are Satan.

It's a funny old World Ted

The internet is a strange old place. Over the last ten years I've encountered, in one form or another, all the things that make humanity so great (think: pRon, adolescent poetry, the Bible, pRon, pictures of Chelsea Clinton, pRon, panoramas of David Hasselhoff's hair, details of some old ladies exotic cheese collection, the always entertaining mugshots on FBI's most wanted website and pRon).

Every once in a while you might stumble across an item so unusual that it stands out head and shoulders above the rest (the fisting guide for beginners that was back linked to fethard.com, or the detailed hygiene guide for prostitutes springs to mind) -  so I've decided to share this nugget (after all, I'm hoping that the global sharing of information will break down the social barriers that constrain and close the mind, leading us all to a nirvana that doesn't require us to perish).

Presenting - Desert Eagle Sex (DES)

For this experiment you will require:

• A toothbrush.
• Ample supply of contraceptives.
• Large heavy plastic sheet (3m x 3m)
• A loving partner
• A mutual friend (if that's your thing... who am I to judge you?)
• Pillows
• A video camera
• Fire logs
• An IMI Desert Eagle chambered for 12.7mm and 16 rounds of .50 action express.

Step 1: Obtaining Consent

The first, and in my mind most important step is to obtain permission from you loving partner. A number of techniques spring to mind (coercion, brain-washing, social engineering (if her friends are doing it - its gotta be cool!), drugs etc) - google for one that suits your time frame. Use the video camera from your items list to record this step - it may come in handy at a later date. Eject the tape and store in safe place, insert new tape into camera.

Step 2: Setting the mood

With the video camera already recording and placed within comfortable distance, prepare a roaring fire, turn on some soothing music and dim the lights. Place the plastic sheet at a safe distance from the fire and place your loving partner onto the pre-fluffed pillows. Stare into her eyes and whisper sweet nothings at her.

Step 3: Preparing the Weapon

Place seven .50 AR rounds into the Desert Eagle's magazine, insert magazine and cock the action. Place on safety.

Step 4: Foreplay (optional)

Being a guy I don't know an awful lot about this. And since I won't write about something I haven't experienced ... google it for yourself!

Step 5: Choosing the entry point for now and the future

As evolution (or God, or some other deity) has only graced us with a limited number of orifices to pleasure both ourselves and those around us, it is up to us to add to those magic openings. Choosing where the new orifices should be placed comes down the personal preference, nimbleness of the parties involved and clear and understanding communication (because if can't talk to the one you love, you shouldn't practice Desert Eagle sex with them). Take time to consider all the possibilities, after all, the entry point will dictate the exit hole.

Step 6: The act itself

You are about to embark on a loving and exciting experience, take your time and savour it. Put on a contraceptive in the usual manner and take your Desert Eagle .50 off safety. Retract the hammer until you hear a reassuring click. Place the tritium bead on the weapon's foresight on your mutually chosen entry point, lining up the rear sights in the regular manner. I usually take time at this point to say a tender goodbye. Squeeze (don't jerk) the trigger. Return the weapon to safe and join your lover in that most sacred of acts - at this point you may also wish to invite the mutual friend to the mix. Bring to the boil.

Step 7: Aftermath

Good DES doesn't end when you have spent your load (you have enough ammunition for two magazines with the extra round in the barrel). Spend time with your lover. Caress her hair, swap gentle loving kisses and other things. Then it is time for the clean-up. My preferred method is to roll your lover with her assorted goopiness into the sheet plastic and (assuming you still have the space) place in the freezer for a number of months to permit ease of disposal at a later date.

A number of Warnings

I have found since I've begun to practice DES that my relationship turnover has become alarming high. I've also noted a drop-off in the number of mutual friends that continue to associate with me. Weather it has a direct connection with DES remains to be seen. Also, the expensive .50 Action Express round has an aggressive kick, resulting in weakened wrists. These consequences suggest that DES should only be practised occasionally - every Christmas and Easter should be just fine.




What was the toothbrush for again...?

Tags: .50, 06, amusing.